Reflections

I’m reaching the end of this chapter in my life, leaving high school and becoming an adult. Naturally, this has caused me to look back on my life so far. I can hardly believe so much has changed.

How do you go from pig tails, Winnie the Pooh dresses, and baby dolls to voting, being legally allowed to smoke, and choosing what path you’ll take to your career? it seems like just yesterday I walked into my kindergarten class for the first time…

 

Holding my mom’s hand, she was still Mommy back then.  My teacher smiles and greets us trying to be friendly, there are toys, even a play kitchen set. There’s a little girl with brown hair and eyes I bump into multiple times. She becomes my best friend and later moves away, I sleep with a picture of us under my pillow. There’s a boy with fiery hair I sit near, his sister is ten and becomes my friend, it makes me feel special…

 

I’m seven, the most popular girl in my class. Everyone in my group of ten fights over who can walk next to me.  I try to make everyone get along, not an easy task. My friend moves away but my kindergarten best friend returns to me. It’s like she never left…

 

I’m ten. I have returned to my old school after  two years at another school. It feels like home, so familiar. I’m not popular anymore. I’m practically nobody, but I have a few friends and stay content, popularity is over rated. The people from kindergarten are here, the boy with red hair seems to mark the time that’s past. We have grown. I stand up for my friend against the most popular girl in school. Everyone turns on me. I’m alone everyday. I wonder what the world would be like if I never existed…

 

I’m thirteen. Black is everything. Suits my mood, suits the mood of the world. I don’t see why I go on. Keep your grades up or they’ll notice the scars on you wrist, the pills missing. Saving.  Pretend all is well. Only two people know, kindergarten best friend and Him. Him who has become the reason to breathe the past two years. Him who I know I’m in love with. He asked me out, I said yes…

 

I’m fourteen. Kindergarten best friend is growing distant but we try. I try. Him and I aren’t talking. not since he dumped me on my birthday. “yo um this is kind of awkward but I have to break up with you. Happy birthday by the way”. Ouch. It hurts. I can’t.  Grab the skateboard, shred the pain off. I have to go on. He’s not worth another scar. I won’t go there again…

 

I’m seventeen. I walk into my new school alone. A massive crowd of strangers all around crowding into lines, I’m so scared. I’m  late to my first class. This place is so big and confusing.  I don’t know how to this. What lunch do I even have? I check with three different people. Kindergarten best friend whom I haven’t spoken to since my Sweet 16 finds me, lets me sit with her. We talk, just the two of us. I needed this. No time has past…

 

Except it has. She is not a she, a new name to call him by. A group of friends that aren’t mine. Awkwardly I sit on the edge of the group until my former best friend leaves me for a new girlfriend. Sit alone. It’s like I’m ten again but no one hates me, no one knows me…

 

I manage to get by by focusing solely on my studies. People are overrated anyway. The year is half over when I make actual friends. Sort of, that’s what I try to make them, that’s what they become. I surpass the standards of my classes. Everything is so easy, except for the teenagers. They remain mostly foreign to me. So many years I spent in isolation….

 

I’ve grown. I don’t shrink away from my teachers when I need to say something. I don’t hide inside my over sized black jacket anymore. I sit with my two friends in the morning. My teachers know and trust me. I don’t have to worry about anything but keeping that one grade from slipping below an A. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll make it. Am I still awkward? Yes. Do I still have anxiety? Yes, but I know I’ll be okay….

 

It’s hard to believe I’ve come so far. So much has changed and so much stayed the same. I still see people from Kindergarten around. The red haired boy, oh how he’s changed, taller and more sure of himself. He’s become a man, he’s no longer a little boy. I wonder how his sister is.

My former friends are all grown, as are my enemies. I am so much stronger than I was. I hurt and struggled so now I can be free. I can be anything. I’ve finally awakened and become a great thing, I’ve discovered myself. I came out of my shell and become who I was always meant to be. I have become me. I have grown so much and I’m only jus starting my life. As this chapter comes to a close I wonder what lies ahead, whatever it is I know I’ll be ready, I’ve already got so much I’ve left behind me.

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