I’m sorry but I’m just going to complain for a minute to try and relieve the throbbing in my head, just to warn you this might be a bit of a downer.
I posted not that long ago (last week? The week before? I’m not sure exactly when my memory is bad on a good day and lately its basically shot) about how my mind works. If you didn’t see it I’ll explain briefly as best I can. Basically I’ve got a problem with overthinking, add that to my anxiety problems and overachieving perfectionist mindset… you can practically hear the time bomb ticking down to my next mental breakdown.
Lately I’ve been pretty stressed out, for a few reasons.
- I’ve been 18 since August, I’m almost a year out of high school and my greatest accomplishment since graduating is getting a state ID card which I literally did nothing for. I’m almost 19 and so far I’m doing nothing with my life.
- Getting into college is hard. I’m on week two of trying to apply to a university and tied up in records problems.
- I’m not sleeping much. It’s nearly impossible to sleep when you’re mind goes from 0 to 180 in 0.03 seconds.
- I’m totally unmediated. I haven’t had anxiety meds since my break down in October when I had to down almost half a bottle so I could remember how breathing works (you can’t OD on the kind I had). I’ve really needed it lately and I’ve got nothing but tea and it isn’t doing crap. I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere the other night and flew out of bed almost breaking my lap because I’d convinced myself that if I tried to sleep my family would die.
- I’ve got writers block. Writing is the one thing that keeps me sane and gets the mess in my head organized on paper, the thoughts are so tangled right now I get hours of nothing followed by exhaustion. Then it seems I’m always tired nowadays.
- I follow politics VERY closely and it is stressing me out! This whole “divided nation” thing has got me a mess with worry. I have to live here for many years to come (assuming my heart doesn’t give out at an early age which I honestly worry about with me being the way I am) if this country gets in a bigger mess now I’ll pay for it my whole life likely.
- I can’t focus or think straight and people are getting mad at me for it. People tend to lose their patience when they have to explain the same thing to you five times and its simple and you don’t get it. I actually forgot what certain words meant earlier and it took a while to remember (and they were easy words!)
- I’m facing reality of adulthood for the first time. I’m still lucky enough to live at home and be somewhat of a kid still but the sudden realization that simple things I’ve always dreamt of simply aren’t possible right now and the clock is ticking on when I can do it. I can’t complain too much, I mean I’m living rent free and have it pretty good but I’m having to come to terms with the fact that not all the things I wanted to do will be possible. I.e. going away to school, there’s simply no way. Not now anyway, maybe someday.
I’m stressed. I’m tired. And I’m only adding to the problem by staying on my computer to write this because I have to be up in a few short hours but the pain in my head lessens when I type, spelling focuses my thoughts. As I said though, I have to get up soon so I need to get to bed to at least attempt to sleep. I’m only 18, so I’m sure older readers (and probably others) are thinking I sound crazy. At 18 no one expects a Ph.D. and success, even I know its crazy to demand I have made something of myself in only a few months but… well I don’t exactly listen to myself when it comes to reason. Right now the only thing I’m doing that makes me think I’m at least somewhat successfully trying to be somebody is this blog. At least I’m producing something and putting it out there, a few people even read it. Thanks for that by the way, it means a lot. For now the blog is all I’ve been able to achieve, I’m posting at least once a week (my quota is 3 times but I’ve been shy of it a few times). Hopefully come Autumn I won’t be so stressed about my future, hopefully I’ll be able to say “I’ve got the blog, I’m in school, and ____.” I just gotta keep working for it. Wish me luck!
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it! Really makes my day.